Government_Leadership-10

=**Conflict Resolution**=
 * Resolved: To Develop the Art and Science of Conflict Resolution**

The ability to resolve conflict is essential. Cities remove garbage to stay clean and in the same way, leaders must develop a plan to purge conflict issues that arise. Conflict, like fire, is easier to snuff out when it's small, but can become nearly impossible to handle when allowed to spread unchecked. Conflict must be handled. Small issues become raging forest fires if not handled. It can even damage innocent bystanders. It takes courage to address conflict.

__Imperfect People Have Imperfect Relationships__: All humans are imperfect and overly emotional at times. Only a coward dwells on hurts running them over and over like instant replays. Bravery is needed to sit with the one a person is in conflict with. Too many prefer to nurse the hurt rather than nurture the relationships.

__Relationship Bombs__: These are improper actions dropped on relationships that make simple conflict much more complex. They expand the damage like a bomb that impacts innocent civilians. There are two major types - silence and violence. Silence is formed by dwelling on hurts without addressing the appropriate party concerned and at the same time, animosity builds. Violence is formed by gossiping to others and becoming unwilling to discuss the issue with the party concerned. Silence usually poisons the one who clammed up and violence is assassinating another's character with a loose tongue. Communities that remove relationship bombing are the ones that succeed.

__Silence__: This often stems from fear of confronting the conflict more than dealing with the ongoing results of the conflict. Bitterness and resentment end up building. We should all make a rule that if we think about a hurt more than once, we address it promptly in a spirit of understanding, not attacking. Two often the offended party assigns malicious motives to the other person's actions without giving the other person the benefit of the doubt. Self-deception allows one to place all blame, responsibility, and need to apologize on the other person. Empathy, ability to view the situation from another person's perspective, is essential. A judgmental spirit gets replaced by a graceful forgiving one. Too often, people will hold onto a hurt to justify quitting a relationship.

__Violence__: People either attack physically or through gossip. Gossip is cowardly, yet very common. The story is told of a peasant with a troubled conscience who went to a monk for advice. He said he had circulated a vile story about a friend, only to find out the story was not true. "If you want to make peace with your conscience," said the monk, "you must fill a bag with chicken down, go to every dooryard in the village, and drop in each one of them one fluffy feather." The peasant did as he was told. Then, he came back to the monk and announced he had done penance for his folly. "Not yet," replied the monk. "Take your bag to the rounds again and gather up every feather that you have dropped." "But the wind must have blown them all away," said the peasant. "Yes, my son," said the monk, "and so it is with gossip. Words are easily dropped, but no matter how hard you try, you can never get them back again." Once gossip spreads, resolution is needed to repair after the conflict. Often times, innocent bystanders either take sides or are asked to. This isn't good.

__Communication Triangulation__: This is a vile process where people attempt to draw others into gossip. Some think venting (to a third party) is good, but it is simply avoidance of conflict resolution. Triangulation involves a third party. We should avoid becoming that third party. Often it's not on purpose and the third party is simply someone willing to listen. The third party should direct the person to resolve their conflict. By not willing to gossip, you show your one of trust.

__Five Steps of Conflict Resolution__: The goal should be to improve the relationship with the individual one is in conflict with. The 5-step process will only work when BOTH parties want to resolve the conflict. It takes two or more to get into conflict and requires the same to resolve it. Face-to-face meeting has to be the way it's done.
 * 1) Affirm the relationship before diving into details. "I am here, even though it's uncomfortable, because I value our relationship and would rather be uncomfortable while resolving our misunderstandings than be comfortable with the misunderstandings in our relationship." Let the other party know that the relationship is what is important to you.
 * 2) Seek to understand the other person's thinking and viewpoints. Listening is key. Be curious, not furious.
 * 3) Seek to be understood. The first two steps have to come first before getting your point across. The goal isn't to blast the other person, but to understand the issues. Resolution, not justification, is the object. Avoid "you always" or "you never" statements. Also, avoid assuming motive of the other party.
 * 4) Own as much of the conflict as possible and apologize while still being truthful. Many are unwilling to admit their imperfection by apologizing. A genuine apology will create more good than a thousand justifications ever will.
 * 5) Seek agreement on future roles and responsibilities within the relationship. Reaffirm the value of the relationship and unity in the future. Leaders understand that conflict is a given, while resolution is a choice. Why should one run from conflict resolution when it is one of the best learning experiences around?

No matter how deeply held a person's friendship is, the pesky little thing called self that's inside each and every person can cause trouble with even the closest of friendships. Lewis and Tolkien had a common interest, a consistent stream of encouragement and permission to speak truthfully in love in terms of their friendship. Early on, Lewis was seeing more success than Tolkien. Also, Lewis was more outgoing. Several unaddressed issues would develop between them. One was Lewis's rise to success that took some of his time away from his friend. Two was some jealousy in Tolkien when he compared his monumental efforts with moderate success to Lewis's moderate efforts and monumental success. Sadly, the rift grew bigger. When issues aren't discussed, envy and jealousy grow.
 * Lewis and Tolkien: Lost Friends:**

Tolkien, the introvert, was troubled since he no longer had Lewis's undivided attention while Lewis, the extrovert, was overjoyed with his new celebrity status, making new friends everywhere he went. When Lewis accepted a job at Cambridge, time and distance along with the unspoken hurts strained the friendship. They took their hurts to their graves, apparently missing each other dearly, but unwilling to resolve their issues. The lesson is that even the best of friends can be hurt by not communicating on issues since envy and jealousy can creep in.

__Thinking Questions__: 1. Conflicts happen every single day all around us. Most people ignore them or go to other people and talk about them. Why do people go to such great lengths to avoid confronting a conflict? 2. Conflict resolution can either make you a million dollars or cost you a million dollars. Why is this true? Think of an example in your own experience of a time when you witnessed conflict handled correctly with a positive result or the opposite. Explain this experience. 3. The first two steps of conflict resolution are to affirm the relationship and to seek first to understand. Discuss how the first two steps of conflict resolution dramatically change how the conflict is handled. Give some examples of how one could handle these two steps in addressing conflict. 4. Continuing with the 5 step conflict resolution process, step 3 is to seek to be understood by sharing your side of the conflict, step 4 is to apologize and step 5 is to seek agreement on a solution. The goal of conflict resolution isn't to attack the other person, but only to address the behaviors and underlying issues. How does following this pattern help us do that? Share your thoughts on how this process will allow you to face conflict courageously. 5. Triangulation is the worst of the relationship bombs. What is triangulation and do you agree with this statement? Why or why not? 6. What will you take from this lesson and begin applying in your own life?

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